Friends


Sometimes work can be boring, or sometimes it can be due to the noise level in the office, but any way or another, some of my colleagues and I have taken to plugging our earphones in and listening to music during work hours. It is of course with no disapproval from the boss that we dare to do this. I said no disapproval because my boss has never openly indicated her approval. Yet she has never voiced any disapproval either. We have taken her silence to mean consent.

No idea what my colleagues actually listen to but I’ve been listening to haoting.com ever since I realised that the website hosts more than just Chinese songs. I always have had the misconception, probably due to the name of the website, that all haoting.com has are Chinese songs. Obviously, I’m much mistaken. Black Eyed Peas, Eminem, Rihanna, you name it, they have it – almost all the Western artistes and almost any song. It has been most satisfying surfing the website for the newest song overheard on radio.

However lately, I’ve been doing some time travelling like Michael J Fox in “Back to the Future”, another ancient movie we’ve here – except that I am going back in time and listening to my favourite boy band back in those days. Yes, we are talking about the Backstreet Boys.

It is particularly funny thinking about those days in secondary school when we were decked in our blue pinafores and white shirts and gushing over BSB virtually ALL THE TIME. “We” actually only refer to M, SR and of course me. No surprise that we were in the same class and same clique. Strangely though, G never got influenced. LOL. BSB was probably too low class for her, even back then. Anyway it was like BSB was constantly on our tongues – we probably talked about them 24 hours a day, sung their songs all the time, even on buses during class excursions, and most exaggeratingly, even gushed over them in our letters to one another!

It’s true – I still possess the abovementioned discriminating evidence. As well as tons of offending photos of us back in those days. That’s why I always tell my old friends to watch their steps very carefully and not to step on my tail.

Oh, those were really the days! We always have such a good laugh reminiscing about them these days. Definitely a sign of aging. I do not want to go into further details about our past obsession with BSB because it may risk a myocardial infarction, and the five of them can hardly be called boys now, but to their credit, they did have some really catchy and cool songs, which I discover that I still like to listen to now.

During our last dinner, M, SR and I suddenly remembered the dance performance our class put up in Secondary 3 on Teachers’ Day. Without any doubt at all, yes, we did dance to a BSB song. I couldn’t remember the name of the song even though I can still sing the lyrics. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, May still does. And guess what, I just did a search on YouTube and I actually found the exact video which we had watched for inspiration on that fateful day in 1995 at CH’s place (he was the class chairman)! Of course we certainly did not have YouTube then! We watched it on tape! Yes, that monstrous-looking thing we needed a video tape player to play! Gosh, we don’t even use that now!

Anyway that tape was yours truly’s haha. I think it was a tape recording of their concert which I had bought. Yes, I was that crazy. 

I had a hard time watching the video just now in office and trying very hard not to chuckle out loud. I think M and SR will have fun watching it too! Enjoy,  ladies!

Advertisements

I was at Timbre on a Saturday night with Diz, enjoying the excellent seats in the house, the beer, the sinful finger food, the crowd, the marvellous live band, and talking about work, other friends, life in general, and of course, men.

Or rather, the lack of men.

Or rather, the abundance of men and the lack of that very one who could steal our hearts.

Me: Out of these four men on the stage, which one would you pick?
(ignoring the fact that none might want either of us)
Diz: The one in yellow
Me: Yup, me too
(happily yabado yabado for a good few minutes why we preferred this fellow over the others)
Diz: The poor drummer is easily ignored.
Me: Oh ya, there’s the drummer too! That’s FIVE guys!

我错了。

我很独立。

大概是因为父母也很独立吧。妈妈是那种不太会依赖他人,更不需要伴侣一直陪伴在身边的女性,所以喜欢拥有一定自由的爸爸可以依旧过着类似单身汉的生活。喜欢自由的爸爸当然也是独立分子。

因此我的独立应该并不是太大的惊喜。

因为自己懂得如何独立,也喜欢不需要时时刻刻依赖别人的感觉,所以妹妹们在成长的过程中,我也希望她们能够成为独立的女性。好朋友们也各个相当独立,因为我实在无法与太“粘”的人一直相处。如果一个人无时无刻需要我的关注,那只会使我觉得很累,最终只会精疲力尽,只好离开。

但我错了。

我忘了有一些人是比较需要关心,比较需要他人将视线停留在他们身上久一点。关心如果不清楚地说出来,他们并不会知道;关怀如果不仔细地表现出来,他们会看不见。纵然不论我多重视一个人,这并不是我对待人的方式,也不需要他人如此对待我。当两人的步伐不相同的时候,一个人不肯,或根本没想过要放慢脚步,而另一个人不加快脚步,两人的距离只会越来越远。这时,第三者却愿意慢下来,走在那个人的身边,陪着那个人。

所以我输了。

那种感觉不可能好受。

当你把一个人摆在一定重要的位置,却发现那个人并不这么想,那种痛,你要感觉过才能了解。

但我也放了。

是你的就是你的。

我不喜欢抢。我拿得起,放得下。

所以。。。往事只能回味。以后的日子不可能跟以前一样了。对我而言,受过创伤的感情就像有瑕疵的陶瓷,缺陷永远都会在。如果只是陶瓷,我会把它扔掉,但有些感情就是无法丢。丢了,就是连朋友多没了。所以既是它在身边会刺刺的,既是非常不舒服,那就这样吧。

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

那天听着很久没听的陈奕迅的精曲,突然了解为什么别人说伤心的歌能疗伤。原来歌曲里隐约看见了你我的现实。。。

我一再试探 你一再隐瞒
是谁改变爱情原来的模样
有一种预感 爱就要离岸
所有回忆却慢慢碎成片断
不能尽欢 爱总是苦短
我只想要你最后的答案
有一种预感 想挽回太难
对你还有无可救药的期盼
我坐立难安 望眼欲穿
我会永远守在灯火阑珊的地方

– “预感”

对我好对我好 好到无路可退
可是我也很想有个人陪
才不愿把你得罪 于是那么迂回
一时进一时退 保持安全范围
这个阴谋让我好惭愧
享受被爱滋味 却不让你想入非非
就让我们虚伪
有感情别浪费
不能相爱的一对
亲爱像两兄妹
爱让我们虚伪
我得到于事无补的安慰
你也得到模仿爱上一个人的机会
残忍也不失慈悲
这样的关系你说多完美
眼看你看着我看得那么暧昧
被爱爱人原来一样可悲
为甚么竟然防备别人给我献媚
不能推不能要要了怕你误会
让我想起曾经爱过谁
我所要的她不给好像小偷一样卑微

– “兄妹”

I normally don’t do New Year resolutions.

I mean, why make promises that you can never keep and then make yourself guilty as hell when you eventually give in and break one?

A promise to thyself is still a promise, and for me, promises are always meant to be kept. I’m a woman of my words. I do not break my promises. Which is exactly why I seldom make promises, especially towards other people. I’m too scared of the possibility of breaking a promise to be making one in the first place. 

On the other hand, I’m not the silly type who goes around making others making promises to me. I’m too scared of the possibility of them breaking their promises to me to be asking them make one in the first place.

Now that was confusing, wasn’t it? Well, I vow to confuse! And I always try to stick by that vow of mine. 😉

Alright, back to the serious matters. I just made a friend promise me something and she agreed. Why did I do that? Because I know that she will keep to her promise as much as I will. Because I know that if I do not make her promise me that, she will not take my advice seriously. This led me to think. Since there are people out there who treat me sincerely enough to dare to promise me certain things out of their own will, why can’t I do the same to myself?

Hence I am making a grand total of TEN New Year resolutions this year:

  1. Try to read a book each month.
  2. Buy a book each month if I can accomplish the abovementioned.
  3. Allow myself to buy a new CD each month.
  4. To do the abovementioned, need to cut down on the new clothes and shoes.
  5. No more bags. At least until the next bonus.
  6. Take less cabs. Trains are not monsters on tracks.
  7. Save money so that I can go on a tour and then bring my family on a tour (the latter is a two/three-year plan).
  8. Meet up more with the forgotten friends of the past. But I need to first remember who these people are.  
  9. Smile more, which means that I need to mean it first.
  10. Which means that I need to learn to open my heart to the outsiders more.   

The first eight sound simple, I know. I wanted things which I really want to do, and certainly things which are not entirely impossible. Which is why there’s no “exercise more” or “run a marathon” or “eat healthy, drink less” bullshit that I know I can never stick to. No 100% guarantee of success for the rest but at least the odds are pretty high. The last two are more difficult but ironically, and pun not intended, likely if I can set my heart to it. Even though I’m still not convinced myself that I need to do these, I’m pretty positive that these will do me nothing but good. At least, that was what my friend said.

In addition to these, I’m also promising myself not to be so hard on myself (not that I certainly would feel so but it wouldn’t harm to have this backup plan) if I fail any of the abovementioned.

Oh wait, that’s 11.

Just three hours to the end of 2008 and the start of a brand new year…

…and I’m feeling incredibly sleepy!

Countdown this year I shall not. For the past years since I left JC, practically all Christmas and New Year Eve were spent partying away with friends. Instead I went home straight after a half day of work today, pushed away all offers from friends and took my family to a delicious lunch at a Japanese restaurant. My family was delighted. Of course they would be. I was the one who paid the bill. Anyway as I was telling my family, who still couldn’t believe that I was staying home this eve, over our last lunch of the year this afternoon, I’m going to count down to 2009 with 周公 this year!

Opps finished almost everything by the time I remembered to take a photo!

I bet he would be lonely considering that most people wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight, at least not before midnight! I’m going to be a kind soul and keep the old fellow company!

Then again, my sister reckoned that 周公 might have his own countdown party with the other deities like 财神爷 and 八仙, so I might be finding myself at a very lonely party later.

On the last day of each year, I always wanted to write an entry on reflection. But every year, I found myself too tired to do this. Perhaps there’s nothing much to reflect anyway since reflection is an subconscious activity which most of us do on a regular basis. Neither is there any regret to talk about. Life has always been smooth. Sure, there have always been bumps and molehills along the way, but nothing to cripple me, nothing breaking me down to crumbles. Besides, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I’ve a job, I’ve health. I can walk, speak, run and do practically anything I want. I’ve a happy family and wonderful friends who are all fortunately as fit as a fiddle too. I have enough.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2008. Don’t worry if this year has been slightly rougher. Next year will definitely be better. Well, it can’t be worse, right? 😉

I was reading through the blog of a very good friend after a hiatus of months and was upset to learn that she has been suffering from mild depression. She has been crying buckets, has tried to hurt herself once and has been taking tranquilisers.

Suffering in silence by herself all this while and I who thought of myself as a confidant was in the dark.

I just met her recently and although I won’t describe her as being all cheery and optimistic then, she certainly had not struck me as feeing so down in the dumps. She was looking quite like her usual self, laughing and chatting non-stop, albeit seemingly less confident and cheerful now that I think about it. But I just assumed that she was slightly down as she was facing a plateau at work and not finding as many options as she initially thought there would be in the market. Then again, who else isn’t unsatisfied with their jobs? I can easily list ten with my fingers. Hence I had shrugged it off casually.

This led me to think about the number of people who look, behave and walk around doing their daily things as if there is nothing wrong at all in their lives. Throwing their heads back in laughter at every single joke, smiling to you like a beam of sunshine, when in reality their hearts are wrenching in pain and dark thoughts torment them incessantly.

What is wrong with this world?

Does it make one weak to show one’s true emotions in front of others?

That may sound funny coming from someone who doesn’t even look like she has many emotions and feelings running through her most of the time. Recently my boss handed out self-made certificates to each member of the team during the TGID lunch. While others were termed Miss Multi-tasker, Miss Database Queen, to name a couple, probably because I was very new and my boss had to base it on the first impression, I was Miss Cool, Calm and Collected. I thought that could be positive, but I also wondered if my boss was simply too polite to put down another “C” – cold. The associate manager gave me some feedback lately and after reviewing the good points, commented that I could talk more although she did give me the credit of speaking up when needed. Yes, I do not talk a lot in front of most people, but that’s because I need time to warm up to the person. I need to verify whether the person is worthy to be more than an acquaintance because nothing more than small talk is for acquaintances, though then again I do not like to do small talk either. Next I need to ascertain how trustworthy the person is because it will define the depth of the conversation, how much I can reveal.

The entire process actually does not take up a lot of time, but the truth is that I already have friends and family whom I’m completely comfortable with to talk about most things, and hence seldom feel the need to confide in other people. I am already fortunate enough to have a fairly big number of friends whom I know will cry at my funeral and help me bury a body together, therefore I seldom feel the need to befriend more people. Adding to the fact that I do not like to say what I don’t mean, and do not want to say what may hurt others, I prefer to keep quiet at times. I am comfortable with silence, perfectly fine with just staying in my own world thinking about things, listening to others talk, or just observing people. Sometimes you can understand a person even more by listening to them talk, seeing how they react. That lifting of an eyebrow, that sparkle in the eye, that twitch at the corner of the mouth. Sometimes you can read more in the actions than in the words. But since I do not speak much, I admit that this’s giving new people a tough time to know me better. However I do talk almost non-stop with my good friends, practically endlessly with my family, because there’s this comfort zone, and they get your unique sense of humour and do not judge you.    

I have always thought that I am the type of person who is not afraid to show what she feels. I think there is no shame in crying when you are sad, in the same way it seems perfectly normal to laugh when you are joyous. Nothing wrong to cuss out loud when you are angry. No wrong in admitting your embarrassment or worries either. Does that render one weak? Anyway I have openly admitted that I have my weakness several times on this blog. I am afraid of getting hurt and my heart can get broken easily. Perhaps it is this very fear that makes me appear emotionless. With the exception of some friends and family, I do not like others to guess who I really am. Some years ago, I realised and acknowledged the fact that consciously or subconsciously, I had built this shield around me. A wall around myself to keep others out, some sort of amour I had put around myself to protect either my fragile heart. At which point of time, I do not know, but I think that it has been growing thicker and stronger with time. Those who have managed their way in, perhaps at a time when it had not been strong, stay in and those who are not remain outside.

You may find it easier to know whether I am angry because this is the only emotion I’m more willing to expose. It may take me to be humming a song or having a skip in my steps for you to discover that I am feeling happy. Most of the time, perhaps you are just thinking that I look composed, or even ice cold. Maybe it is my shield at work. I don’t know, I’m just guessing. Because life is a route to self-discovery and that’s what I am doing each day, trying to understand myself better, why I am saying the things I say, doing the things I do, or not saying or doing what I perhaps should.

But I do know that if something is bothering me, I will tell those in my circle. To others I may not say, but I will not smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. I will not ignore the problem and think that it will just go away if I do. For it will not. It will manifest itself silently in the dark and come back to haunt you at night when you are at your most vulnerable. For me, I found out that the best way is to wallow in the gloom of it all, think my way through it even if it takes weeks, cry all it takes, and eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. Problemo solved.

For my friend, I will pretend that I do not know about it, for if she has not want to me to know  or did not find the chance to tell me, then this is the way it is meant to be. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am not doing a good job of letting her know that she can tell me anything. I do not know what hurts me more – a friend feeling all hurt inside or a friend not telling me how much it hurts.

Seriously, need I say more?

Let’s all say “soooooooo cute” in unison!

Next Page »