July 2009


“I can’t be your boyfriend….

….but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.”

 

These words keep coming back to haunt me.

Don’t you worry, no one said that to me (or is this an actual cause worthy of worry?). These were lines from a movie.

Sometimes I find it hard to understand. If you love me, why can’t you be with me? Why can’t you stay by my side?

Why is it so hard? What’s the actual obstacle standing in our paths? Parents’ objection? Others’ disapproval? Or is it really just a lack of courage from you, to stand up to our love and go against all odds? Selfishness? Or worse, do you simply not love me enough to make the sacrifice?

Or is it me who is selfish or do not love you enough, therefore wanting you to sacrifise for our “happiness”? Why must it be you who have to make the painful decision? Why can’t it be me who leave first, so that you do not have to make any decision which you may eventually regret?

I have a lot of questions but I also have one answer (I think):
Because if we love each other and yet do not be together, we will both suffer. Even though we may be miles apart, our agony will be common.

In any movie, unrequited love always makes a good ending as long as the story is reasonable. It leaves a sour pange at the deepest of your heart that you will remember for a long long time. But call me a hopeless romantic, I always prefer the “hugs and kisses”, “happily ever after” type of ending.

Because, yes, love alone cannot make a relationship work, but love should have you giving your best.  

If you love me, you will be with me.

Then again, perhaps I don’t understand love.

Is it really my fault that I never appreciated Michael Jackson when the dude was still around?

Hey, he was 50. I was still part of an ovule when he was at his peak. As far as I know, an ovule does not react to music. Even if it can hear music through the layers of cells. That is, assuming that it is capable of such sensory abilities in the first place.

But I must really give it to him. This video is cool, even some decades later. I can totally understand how it exuded uber coolness back in those days.   

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what’s my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

I cannot believe that it’s over.

Even though it has barely been a month.

I can still remember that fateful day.

Yes, it was 19 June and my company held an important annual event in Orchard that day. Since I was already in the town area, why not shop around for a while? That was exactly what I did, why I popped by Kinokuniya.

Who would have known what destiny had in mind for me when I stepped into the store?

Yes, it was love at first sight. BUT I was the one who allowed the romance, the one who gave in.

And see where it has gotten me now that it’s finally over.

I had foreseen the end. I really had. I had known exactly how I would feel when the inevitable happened.

The void. Emptiness. Loss.

Yet I let it develop. Flourished from a tiny spark of lust, passion, to a deep relationship which enveloped me entirely.

But I do not regret it.

Yes, it has been brief, but it has also been a whirlwind of colours so beautiful that it has taken my breath away.

It was a time too short, but it was a period of good times, good memories and that cannot be replaced.

Do you understand how I feel now?

Is it the same for you everytime you finish a good book?

The four books which make up the tetralogy by popular Russian writer Sergei Lukyanenkothat – namely, “Night Watch”, “Day Watch”, “Twilight Watch” and “Last Watch” – are the best that I’ve read in a long time. Basically, these are fantasy novels where the story revolves around a confrontation between two opposing supernatural groups (known as “Others”) – the Night Watch and the Day Watch. The former is an organization made up by the Light Others (i.e. good people) dedicated to policing the actions of the Dark Others (i.e. the baddies) and the latter, consisting of the Dark ones, polices the actions of the Light Others. There is a third group made up of both Light and Dark Others who have ditched their Watches to join the Inquisition who oversees both Watches to ensure that the equilibrium is kept in the world where magicians, werewolves, vampires, shapeshifters, witches and many more of the immortal roam among the normal Earthlings.

I first knew of the book when the first movie, released in Russia in 2004, was finally available in the local theatres some years ago. The reviews in the papers and magazines were so raving good that I knew that I had to catch it. I did, and I was the one who was captured. I was hooked. I borrowed the book from the library and read it. It was a fabulous read but the local library did not have the other books in the tetralogy then. It was some good years later when I accidentally chanced upon “Last Watch” at the “New books” section in the Japanese bookstore. I was out of the store with the entire series faster than you could recite the author’s name. And as they say, the rest was history.

What makes the books addictive is not just the mystical touch, it is the moral dilemma, faced constantly by the characters, of keeping one’s humanity while being strong, interwoven in between the intense action-packed plots. Don’t we fight the same dark gloomy battle every other day, sans the magic, spells, amulets and protective shields?

But in the end, as with these books and any other movie, the Light always triumphs. Call me naive, but I will continue to believe it.

The truth is that I’m proud of them as long as they are healthy, happy and living a life worth living.

No matter how cliche this sounds.