November 2008


Today I was watching the news on the tragic death of young Singaporean lawyer Ms Lo Hwei Yen on television and her sister described her as someone who “made everyone around her really happy, because she’s a very driven, very passionate person”. I read the news and friends described Ms Lo as “bubbly”, “bright”, “confident” and “outgoing”.

Then I wondered.

What would friends, ex-classmates or acquaintances have to say about me if I died?

When the reporter pushed the microphone to them, would they open their mouths and find no words coming to them? Found themselves so dumbfounded that they let their jaws hung embarrassingly?

*sigh* That sounds even more tragic than my death. That is if anyone would find my passing tragic and regrettable at all. Fortunately I would already be dead, so I would not have to find a hole to bury my head in shame. My whole body would have been buried deep down underground by then.

Come on, this is not a morbid thought. Anyone would have given a thought to this matter.

You mean you have never? *gasp*

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Singaporean hostage killed in Mumbai

The most unfortunate and feared has finally happened.

There is no longer anything I can do but hope that her death was at least dignified and as painless as possible.

May her soul rest in peace.

Was watching the first “Don’t Forget The Lyrics” show on Channel 5 just now, guest starring *le sigh* Jonathan Leong and the two Singapore Idols whom, as you can tell, I hardly bother to mention. And this was one of the songs they did. I almost forgot that I actually knew this song (well, maybe just the tune and not the lyrics) until it started and I discovered that I could actually sing to it!

I loved it! It’s soooo catchy!

I guess I can safely say that I am definitely not an impatient person. But just how patient I am? It’s hard to affirm.

Sure, I can wait an hour in a queue, even though I seldom will unless it is totally necessary. Food, no matter how good it is, and free gifts, no matter how worthwhile they may be, are certainly not in my list of necessities. Jigsaw puzzles? I can do that. We’ve at least four 1000-piece puzzles hung at home and I had contributed to most of them. Although to be honest, my ever-impatient dad was surprisingly the one who spent the most time on them and fitted most of the pieces. My dad who can never wait for more than 15 minutes for his food, cannot wait for the next train to board and won’t wait for the green man to come on at traffic junctions can actually patiently sort all 1000 tiny pieces into different colour categories and fit them all from scratch into one beautiful final art piece. My dad never fails to amaze me and I suppose that he has learnt to be much more patient in recent years. He even enjoys gardening now, which really tests patience. On the other hand, I would be impatient and want to complete the entire puzzle at a sitting even if it means sacrifising my sleep, which of course would never succeed and lead to me losing interest in the half-done puzzle on the third day. However I can sit down for hours on a stretch doing craftwork, again tending to refuse sleep until I finish it.  

Well, I suppose it depends on what interests us. The more interested you are in something, the more effort and time you are willing to put into it.

Now here comes my point.

Does it mean that I have no interest in men then?

That captured your attention, didn’t it?

But that doesn’t mean that I’m more into women. Women fail to turn me on at all.

However it’s true that my interest in any particular man never lasts. It can be fiery passion I feel this week and all feelings fade miserably by the next. Especially if I think that the feeling is not reciprocated or mutual. I do not bother to persist and persevere, which is rare considering that determination and perseverence are probably two of my greatest virtues in life. I do not bother to know the fellow better or let him understand me more. I just give up and let it die. Now, that doesn’t really sound like me either! I don’t just give up! Yet in relationships, it is my friends who persist and fight. Girls, not without any suitor waiting in line, who yet choose to work hard and fight for the one they (think they) love, wait for him to reciprocate, try to understand him more in the process. Even though there is a possibility that all are done to no avail ultimately.

Why can’t I do the same? Is it because it’s still not the Right one? Is it because I’m incapable of love? Is it because I’m not very interested in the opposite side?

Not sure, maybe, no and not really.

I have a heart of stone.

I suspect that I may be more afraid of getting hurt than falling in love. I used the word “suspect” because it’s a guess, even though not any random one but a carefully made one after much analysis. It may be our own brain and it may be our own heart, but often we cannot explain why we do the things we do. Perhaps we do not understand ourselves as much as we think or feel that we do. Hence this is my guess. If love is not such a high-risk and low-return gamble, I may be more daring to just let go and dive into it. If the man you like always feels the same towards you, I may not always need to think twice and thrice. If his and your feelings towards each other stay the same permanently like diamonds on the finger, I will fight for the man and stay with him through thick and thin. But alas! love is not merely a simple affair. If it is, everyone will be happily married, but unfortunately I cannot say the same even for many married couples.

With concern to matters of the heart, I think I am more willing to have stagnancy than brokenness. I have a friend who is still single and has kind of been pinning for this guy at work for ages. While I think that it’s incredibly sweet of my friend, who similarly has no lack of suitors, I feel that it’s not worth the pain she has to go through and that I probably can never do the same. Which explains where I am now. Is it sad? Sometimes it is, especially when I think about the possibility of facing the four walls by myself in the decades to come (assuming I won’t die young). I’m not terrified of loneliness or solitude. I just suppose that it would be nice to have someone I love and whom I’m sure can make me smile by just scratching his nose and every single word that comes out from his mouth makes me laugh somehow. I know, I used “nice” like it’s something I can order off a menu or buy off a shelf in a supermarket. Like “oh, this plate of chicken rice is nice!” or “This bag is nice!” But I cannot seem to find a better word.

For my friend, I truly hope that her deep feelings for that man will be reciprocated eventually. For myself, maybe one day I can meet a man who can make me feel as willing to give as my friend too.

 

A photo from our sailing adventure during team building:

That was me on our sailing boat. Of course it was so faraway that I wasn’t even the size of a speck. This photo was taken from another boat.

We are almost negligible compared to the great vastness of the ocean or the universe. Man is so egoistic and narcissistic that we never realise how small and insignificant we truly are. We need to get to the middle of the sea or the top of a mountain or floating in space to get a sense of it.

Woah!~

Today, Mrs Tan has been officially made Mrs Tan for exactly a year!

Woah!~

And I can still remember her BIG day so vividly.  

 

How time flies, much to my dismay. But a Happy One Year Anniversary to the lovebirds who have flown off to celebrate. 🙂

The past two days were our company’s team building session. Usually we will carry it out with our Malaysian counterparts at Malaysia. However to cut costs this year, the two teams will be doing it on their own within their own countries, which is of course very sad for the Singaporean team because there isn’t really much innovative and exciting activities to do on our tiny island and we missed out on an opportunity to travel overseas free of charge.

The first day, we went to SAF Yacht Club to play some bonding games in the morning, followed by a delicious lunch at the restaurant, and experiential sailing in the afternoon!

Those were our yachts. It was an experience of a lifetime, especially for me, because I don’t think that I’ll ever try it again. Not that it wasn’t enjoyable, but the place was too faraway and the sport kind of too expensive for me. I didn’t really like the sun part either. I had a cap and sunscreen on and all I could think of was still, shit, stupid UV rays! pigmentation! freckles! tan lines! However it was really fun and kind of an adrenaline rush zooming forward on the waters, feeling the sea breeze on your skin. There was also tranquility being in the middle of the vast sea, surrounded by nothing but green choppy waters at your feet and clear blue sky above your head.    

My colleague took more photographs of us on our yacht. Maybe I’ll post some when I get my hands on them.

Today we did clay mugs at Clay-Street Pottery Studio at Syed Alwi Road!

Of course I was looking forward to it! What could be more exciting than creation, innovation and getting my hands on craft materials! I didn’t even mind getting my hands and clothes dirty!

We divided into three groups and each group needed to come up with a theme for their mugs. I shall not go into details but this is how my mug looks like: 

Not what I had in mind for my mug initially but we had to settle on a common theme for our team and as part of a team, you cannot stubbornly insist your ideas upon others, even if you think that they are brilliant, so in the end I kept to what our team decided upon but added some of my own creativity to my product. I suppose that’s why artists are loners and cannot work well with people. And that’s why I’m not really an artist.

It’s going to take the studio three weeks to finish the piece, after which the studio will send them to our office. I pray that nothing will break in the process! Maybe I’ll take a photgraph of the final product once it’s ready, and post here.

Tomorrow’s our company family day! We are having buffet lunch at the office, followed by a movie session of Madagascar! What the hell! Where are we going to find time for work?!    

But I’m not complaining haha.

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