Due to unforeseen and undesired circumstances, I’ve TWO locations in my work building which I call my office. Why do I sound unhappy even though it seems like a great situation while others have one office, I’ve two bloody ones? Because I would be satisfied enough to be seated in Office Above where I’m supposed to be located initially, where I’ve my own cubicle with my own PC and all my stuff. But unfortunately, Office Above has uncivilized political wars and where there’s wars, there must be innocent victims. Hoorays, you are looking at one.

So now, I have to seek refuge at Office Below as and when my Office Above cubicle is invaded, which is fine because the citizens there are fun. Even though I’ve no internet access there (cavemen’s era) but it’s still good. Every morning they have breakfast together for an hour. It is good life there. Everyone just slack openly. Of course, there’s still some small problems there – it seems inevitable for all offices, but well, at least you don’t risk getting fired. Office Below is like Singapore compared to Iraq.

This week, my invader who is kind actually since he doesn’t invade on purpose (in Office Above, we are all under the mercy of the big boss aka the Dark Lord) is letting me use our supposedly “shared” workspace (but try sharing a barely 2m-wide desk with a big fellow). Having spent 2 weeks at Office Below where we chat, joke, laugh, eat and do practically nothing (except for me, I do work), I’ve quite forgotten about the mental torture I’m subjected to at Office Above every single day for the past 10 months.

You see, Office Above has a spy. THE Spy since she’s the only one. That’s what everyone else calls her anyway. I thought it’s too nice a nickname for her since I call her Ji Pu Sai (meaning a pile of shit in Hokkien). At the civilian level, we are all nice, diligent and honest. She’s the only exception – she’s a crude, loud, jealous, back-stabbing, bad-mouthing bitch. Socially, she is the outcast in our Office. But sadly, with the Dark Lord also being a back-stabbing, bad-mouthing bitch (her aim is to kill all Light Lords aka the good bosses in the Office who stand in her way or whom she thinks are out to throw her off the throne), of course they are allies, a team. This means that while our rice bowls are at the risk of being crushed every single moment, hers is ironically unbreakable despite her work ethics and personal attitude.

She earns her role as a lackey by being a spy – spying on us, the civilians, and also the poor Light Lords. Trust me, she’s formidable. Together with her spying tactics and superior ability to make up far-fetched and dubious tales from innocent remarks heard, she and the Dark Lord have vanquished TWO Light Lords and driven many more to seek refuge.  

And every single day she attempts to drive the rest mad by talking loudly on the phone almost every other minute, torturing us with her lousy command of both languages, bad-mouthing everyone else around to people on the phone incessantly. Yes, she’ll bad-mouth you even if you are just sitting behind her and it actually doesn’t matter where you are cause the whole office can hear her. And when her mouth’s not working, her ears are – she’ll be performing her superhuman eavesdropping skills and trying to hear anything that she can swiftly transform into some scam that others are trying to pull. She also has 千里眼 which she uses to spy on what others are doing. In fact, she’s like 十兄弟 all combined into this lump of fats.

In her small, pathetic, lifeless eyes, everyone else is lazy, dishonest and totally incapable of doing their work well, except for her. This person has some serious delusion problem! Because I’ve worked with her briefly on a project before and this person is STUPID. And inefficient. And rude to clients. She was planning to pass that project on to me, but after 2 weeks of attachment, she found that I was a threat to her job as I’ve actually found her most difficult project a breeze to do (which anyone with a normal IQ will find so too). She asked me not to follow her on this project anymore and then told my co-boss (who’s her direct boss) that I didn’t want to do it. B-I-T-C-H

She should go to IMH. I think the rest wouldn’t mind pooling money to book a place for her there. If we don’t have enough money, we can even hold a flag day to raise funds.

“Please donate for a great cause.” (Getting that bitch out of our hair IS a great cause)